The Coffeeshop Comments
by Casunny123
Summary: Allen, a college writer, is starting his next story with non-other than his friends Lavi and Kanda as his main characters. These characters, however, have opinions that they aren't afraid to share on what stories are good and not. AU


**A/N: I hope you like it. Please read and review. **

**I DO NOT OWN D. GRAY-MAN **

**And Aspirin belongs to the company that makes it. **

_On a day, most like the one I'm writing on today, I found my inspiration. His name was Kanda Yuu and his friend, the oh-so-loveable, Lavi No-Last-Name. In all my years of writing, I never had a character without a last name, but it seemed that I had now gained one. Placing a name a last name to Lavi was like trying to rename the city of New York. Lavi was Lavi, gosh darn it. He would only be someone else if I wasn't Allen and he wasn't Kanda, and we all weren't crazy! But beyond the point, I think I'll move on with the story…_

_ On the coldest night of December felt in the last decade or so, the grave of a one Marian Cross looked exceedingly worn out. The gravesite had to be one hundred years old, at the least. 'The only time shown to pass in my life is that of this gravestone…' solemnly thought a pale skinned boy in front of the tombstone. His red hair was a few shades lighter than the blood red pupils in his eyes-chwb qckr_

"LAVI!" The twenty year old college writer turned to glare at his supposed inspiration that had suddenly lunged at his keyboard as he was writing.

"I refuse to be written into another lame, cheesy vampire novel that ends up being part porno. Don't you agree Kanda? I'm too pretty to be in porno!" The one-eyed redhead in turn glanced over at the scowling Japanese man sitting next to him on the couch of the coffee shop.

"One: I couldn't care less about this stupid story and if I get included in it, then I'm taking all the profits and suing you beansprout blind. Then, I am then selling you, red-beard the pirate, into the prostitute trade. To China. I'll make lots of money, you'll be far away, and you'll also probably love getting laid by some creepy perverted old guy that looks like your long-lost father while dealing with your daddy loving issues. And Two: Yes, baka-usagi, I do think you would love to be part of a porno." Kanda followed his monologue with a long gulp from his decaf coffee and glared at the two, in his opinion, idiots leaning over the Mac laptop set on the small table in front of him.

"Yuu! I'm hurt! You knooow I'm saving myself for someone special. Unless, of course it you wanted to finally take me up on my offer to forget my promise for ooone night…" Lavi trailed off suggestively and waggled his eyebrows at Kanda.

"No, I don't want to catch one of the various STDs you have swimming around inside you." With another grimace, Kanda crushed his now empty coffee cup and waved over the barista of the "Black Order" coffee shop.

A cheerful Chinese woman came skipping over the small group and greeted them with a, "Hello boys! How are you guys doing this fine morning?"

"Not cool Lena. Not cool at all. Allen's writing me into a porno novel-"

"-I am doing no such thi-"

"-and now Yuu says he wants to sell me to his homeland to become a prostitute present for his wayward father because he has Daddy-issues!"

"Why you little shi-"

"Kanda, Allen, stop picking on Lavi." The Chinese barista giggled at the two men as they went to lung at their red-head responsible for their migraine issues.

Lavi dodged their grips and jumped to hide behind the barista. Kanda and Allen immediately back off, allowing Lavi to duck back to the loveseat beside Allen, only gaining minor injuries in the form of a slap from Allen and a wack to the head from Kanda. The Japanese man then turned to the lady and said, "Little Lee, I need a large cup of coffee. Black." The Japanese man added as an afterthought. "And none of that decaf shi-stuff you keep giving me. I'm starting to get withdrawl. It's not helped that the baka-usagi won't shut up either."

The barista ignored his added-on comment and winked back at him. "Sure thing Kanda. One decaf coffee coming your way." She then turned to the white and red haired duo sitting on the matching loveseats. "Anything else for you two?"

Lavi, being Lavi, replied, "Well if you're not on the menu….then no." He…winked? Having only one working eye and an eye patch that made him look like some long lost pirate, no one could tell if he was blinking or winking.

As soon as Lavi finished his sentence, a dark shadow appeared looming over him. "Are you hitting on my adorable nee-san, Lavi? Hm? Don't think I don't know of your reputation as a player!"

The red head let loose a girly squeal and jumped up. He turned around to face a Chinese man, probably around twenty five, wearing a white 'Black Order' uniform with matching French beret. "K-k-k-komuiii! N-n-no no no no! I-I-I'm not-" The Chinese man smiled evilly down at Lavi until his sister cut in.

"Nii-san! Leave Lavi alone. He's just joking. Besides, if you run out every male customer we get, then we'll get go b-r-o-k-e. Broke! And then it'll be back to the stacks of paperwork because I'll have to hire someone who'll get customer's to not run out of the place within ten seconds of meeting me!" Lenalee ended with a heavy sigh.

"B-b-but Lenaleeee, I dooo let guys come here. We have Allen, Kanda, and even the perverted pirate come back every day as return customers!" Komui looked extremely proud of the fact that he could respond to his sister's accusation.

"Yes but Kanda is openly gay, Lavi is the least straight person we know, and we all know Allen rolls that way too. Plus, he's like…fourteen or something, and waaay to innocent to try anything with me." Lenalee cocked an eyebrow at her brother, waiting for a response she knew he couldn't supply.

Allen jumped up instead with a "Hey! I'm eighteen and in college! How many times do I need to tell you people this! AND, like I keep telling Lavi, I'm NOT gay!" To this, Kanda merely scoffed and Lavi rolled his….eye.

The redhead added on, "Puh-leeez Al, baby. We all know you're gayer than Kurt from Glee or that gay couple from Modern Family. If you didn't wear such...form-fitting clothes, I wouldn't be able to tell you had a dick and not a pair of boobs." Allen gasped in indignation.

Lenalee stared at the three boys and then looked back at her brother. "See what I mean! Whatever. I give up for now. I'll go get you boys another cup each." The barista stalked off to get their orders ready. Komui cried out after his sister, grabbing at her apron and using it to dry his tears and muffle his apologies.

"Back to your cheesy porno novel. I refuse to be in it." Lavi turned to Allen with a serious (for Lavi) look on his face.

Allen, on the other hand, looked severely annoyed at the red head. "Well, Lavi, I'd like to see you _try_ to write a novel."

"Well, why don't I show you! I can do it. I'll write you an amazing story with you two as my main characters, right here, right now." Lavi grabbed the Mac laptop off the small table, pulled up a fresh word document, and started typing away like a madman.

Allen stared at Lavi for a few minutes before turning to Kanda. As he opened his mouth to speak, the Japanese man cut him off.

"Just don't. I haven't had my second cup of coffee for the day. If you speak to me before my second cup, after I've already had to deal with Lavi, I will not have the willpower to stop myself from killing you." Kanda glared at the white haired British boy. "And that isn't me caring for you. It's me not wanting to deal with a trial and possibly murder charges."

The two sat in silence for another ten minutes. Kanda finally drinking his second cup of the day he received, Allen staring at Lavi, and Lavi typing away furiously.

"And…FINISH! Read it and weep Britty boy!" Lavi swiveled the computer screen around for Allen and Kanda to read. "Oh, and Kanda, it has you in it!" With that comment the Japanese man's eyes' snapped to the document and started to scan through it with Allen.

"_Someone! Get the Captain! The ship can't take much more of this!" Various men shouted down curses and calls for their Captain as they climbed high upon the four masts of the sailing ship. The damp white sails twisted back and forth in the stormy winds._

"_What is it now, you lazy bums? Are you afraid of a little rain? Huh? Is that it? Such pathetic bitching crew members I got. Where the hell is my first mate!" A drunken and staggering red haired man burst through the door labeled 'Captain Cross's Cabin' sprouting out his slurred tirade._

"_First Mate Allen Walker reporting in sir." A short white haired teen boy popped up from behind Captain Cross's right shoulder. The blindly drunken man stumbled back to crash into another of his crew members. The tall, blue haired Japanese man by the name of Kanda Yuu started cursing in his native tongue at his Captain, who had fallen into his tattooed shoulder._

"_Show some respect to your superiors, you Asian she-male." Captain Cross then shoved the fuming 'she-male' away and turned to his First Mate. "And you, Stupid Mate, why the hell aren't we plundering some village by now? We are almost out of booze!"_

_The white haired mate stared at his Captain with wide-eyed shock. Around the three, a torrential downpour fell as waves rocked the ship to-and-fro, almost capsizing the vessel. But Captain Cross seemed oblivious to the storm that raged around him as he glared at the boy. _

"_Sir, we are in the middle of a hurricane level storm." Allen turned to the Japanese man, who was still cursing at the pair. "Second Mate Kanda Yuu, how is the ship taking the storm so far?"_

"_Moyashi, didn't I tell you not to call me Yuu?" With that comment, Kanda drew his katana from his waist and aimed the blade at the British boy's throat. Allen gulped and stared wide-eyed at the Second Mate, waiting for his response. "The ship is about to capsize, our sails are about to whip right off, and the crew is battered."_

"_Wait a minute. This 'she-male' is my Second Mate? What has the world come to?" Captain Cross continued to rant and blindly stagger back into his cabin and slam the door behind him. The First and Second Mate stared at the door for a moment, before looking back at each other._

"_So I guess when I called you Captain the other day, I wasn't completely wrong." The Japanese man stared at Allen as the British boy blushed redder than Captain Cross's hair. –_

_-DELETE-_

_-DELETE-_

_-DELETE-_

_-DELETE-_

"YUU! What are you doing to my masterpiece?" Lavi cried in indignation as Kanda highlighted and then deleted the last few paragraphs

The Japanese college student stared blankly back at the red-head. "This is why you'd like being a prostitute."

Allen pulled a horrified expression and added, "If you had the audacity to call my writing porno, then I don't think I want to know what you consider this!"

Lavi looked severely offended. "So you guys don't like it?"

"I could kill you for writing what you did with me as part of it."

"I bloody well hope that you don't think about these kind of things about us. Ever. I don't think I can look you straight in the eye ever again."

The red-head pouted at his 'friends' comments. "Well, I thought it was a masterpiece."

"No, it was porn." The Japanese man stared blankly at Lavi. After a few moments of contemplation, Lavi opened his mouth to speak.

"Kanda, both me and Allen-"

"-Allen and I" Piped up the British Boy.

"-wrote something, why don't you, Yuu?" Lavi challenged. The Japanese man ignored Lavi's request and went on sipping his coffee cup.

"Fine. I guess if you're too scared." Kanda ignored Lavi's taunts.

"I mean, English IS your worst subject. You wouldn't want to embarrass yourself." At this, Kanda whipped his head around to throw glares at the red-head.

"Moyashi, give me the laptop," Kanda ordered, already grabbing the Mac out of its owner's hands.

Kanda cracked his knuckles, and then stabbed his fingers at the keys, making the Allen wince at the damage probably occurring to his precious and _expensive_ laptop. Allen watched with hawk eyes, to make sure none of the keys flew off his computer, as Lavi stared wide-eyed with a huge grin, waiting to see Kanda's writing piece.

"Finished." The Japanese man suddenly announced with a straight face. The candy-cane hair colored duo's eyes snapped to the screen as Kanda spun the computer to face them.

_The proud and deadly samurai, Kanda Yuu, spied from the shadows his next targets. They were a peculiar pair. One was a red-haired pirate, eye-patch and all, who wore a bandana around his head. His companion was a strange, English boy. The kid was short with cropped white hair and a messed up right eye._

_ As the pair walked towards the next town in their path, Kanda flew from his hiding spot in the shadows and drew his katana, Mugen. Within ten seconds of revealing himself, Kanda had slashed each of his opponents across the back of their calves. The two screamed out in pain and dropped to the floor. _

_ "By the order of General Cross Marian, you, Moyashi Allen Walker, and you, Baka-Usagi Lavi No-Last-Name, are to be executed for crimes and betrayal." With this said, Kanda slashed them both across the stomach and ended them with a stab to the chest each._

_ "Mission Complete."_

Allen and Lavi stared motionless at the computer screen after finishing Kanda's story.

"Kanda…your story was about executing us…." Allen looked up at Kanda and uttered in shock.

"Yes." Kanda replied

"Yuu….that story was horrible. There was no character development or backstory and even your plot was shaky because it was missing a whole beginning and-" Lavi was cut-off by Kanda.

"-Baka-Usagi. I did not write a novel you baka."

"Yeah. He wrote a short story laminating how to kill us!" The British boy exclaimed. After his shout, Allen just shook his head and waved over Lenalee. As the girl came over she greeted the boys and gently took a seat on the arm of the sofa Kanda was taking up.

"Since I was busy with my brother earlier, I forgot to ask what it is you guys are doing. I mean, Allen is always hunched over his laptop, but now all of you keep crowding around it and I'm getting quite curious!" The Chinese women turned to eagerly stare at each of the trio in question.

"Allen wrote a vampire porno…" Lavi announced.

"So baka-usagi went to prove his writing ability. And wrote real porn…."

"And then Kanda wrote a story, in which he describes how he would kill Lavi and I with Mugen if we ever were walking alone on a road….in a forest….in Japan." The British boy droned out, staring ahead of him blankly.

Lenalee looked at each of the boys, smiled, and announced, "So, let me get this straight. Two Aspirin and another decaf coffee for Kanda, a 'regular coffee' spiked with gin or vodka for Allen, and a vanilla frappuccinno for Lavi? Coming right up!" The girl went skipping away towards the front counter.

"She knows us so well," Lavi laughed out. The other two groaned.

"I need my aspirin…"

"I need my spiked coffee…" With this comment, Allen grabbed his computer and added to where he last stopped writing.

_Note: Start looking for new inspiration. Or give Lenalee another bottle of vodka._

_~Fin~_


End file.
